Most new coach introductory press conferences go something like this:
"Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen of the press, and especially all members of Our School Nation! Woohoo! I'm Our School's Athletic Director and I'm here to introduce our new men's basketball coach, who we hired after an extensive national search. We could not be more excited about him coming on board and about the great future that Our School basketball has ahead of it! Woohoo! Before I give him the microphone, does anyone have any questions for me?"
"Yes, I do. Why does your new coach look like a PowerBall ticket? He doesn't really look like a coach. Or even a person. He looks like a PowerBall ticket."
"He is a PowerBall ticket! The drawing is in seven years, and our odds of winning the NCAA title - no matter who we hired - are 192,000,000 to 1. Therefore, we spent two bucks and we can't be more excited about our future! I have a great feeling about this ticket. I picked the numbers of my birthday, July 4th (who doesn't like that?), and the day we found our dog. I am so excited about these numbers! But we're building a program here, and it's going to take a lot of hard work between now and the drawing in 2024. So, please join me in welcoming to Our School, Coach PowerBall!"